MY DAY

Rabu, 15 November 2017

Curhat Akhir 2K17.

Hello friends~ (or not? Cuz it seems I have none lol)

Well~ well~ its November 2017 already! Why is it so fast tho 😶

So, first of all I want to announce to you all that.... I'M GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! 3 taun gak berasa njir. Kayanya gue gak ngapa-ngapain gitu di kampus wkwkwk.

Post kali ini mau gue bikin random aja ya, kaya curhatan hati gue yang paling dalam mungkin bakal gue ceritain di post gue kali ini. Jadi ini post bakal panjang banget, buat yang gak kuat iman bisa pergi aja dari sini tq.

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Banyak banget yang udah kejadian sama gue taun ini, dr mulai masalah hatinya orang, masalah hati gue, soal gue ngerjain TA, dll. Gue bingung mau mulai dari mana, ini gak ngurut sih jadi gue coba buat ceritain soal sesuatu yang paling membekas di hati.

So, the first story is about someone I really love, someone that I can trust and I can count on, the one that makes me who I am now. Gue percaya dan sayang banget sama orang ini.. gue gak ngerti lagi kalo dia sampe gak ada gue bakal jadi kaya gimana.. but... One day, I heard a worst news, it was from this person itself. This person did something that I really against on, so disappointed, I'm torn. Gimana bisa orang yang gue percaya did that. This person behavior changed, I hate that. Even I still love this person so much, I can't give my trust anymore.

Cerita selanjutnya soal hati gue (njay). Jadi, gue gak tau kenapa ya.. orang suka salah ngartiin apa yang gue lakuin. Gue udah coba buat ngebantu seseorang, berusaha untuk berteman, tapi orang suka salah ngartiin, dikiranya gue suka lah sama orang itu, disangka cari muka lah, disangka mau rebut pacar orang lah, disangka masih banyak deh. Seriously ya, gue tau diri orangnya tau batesan. Gue gak paham lagi kenapa orang nyangkanya kaya gitu. Bahkan bisa sampe menyimpulkan kalo gue orangnya gini lah gitu lah. Sorry kalo ada yang tersinggung pas baca ini, but that's how I feel. Gue kaya yang biasa aja padahal kalo udah denger orang ngerendahin atau ngejelekin gue di belakang terus guenya tau, gue nangis anjing malem-malem. Asal lu tau aja. Masalah gue udah banyak di tambah lagi ginian, bayangin coba perasaan gue gimana guys :') (ps. This is my blog so gue bebas mau ngomong apa, kalo gasuka, you better leave. I dont need you)

Masalah hati lainnya. Gue ngerasa some people just take an advantage of me like dia ngedeketin gue kalo misalnya lagi butuh sesuatu. Begonya gue, gue orangnya gak enakan and if someone asked for my help, I'll do it as fast as I can. Gue gak bisa kalo gak nolong orang yang lagi butuh bantuan, even when gue kepepet atau situasi gak memungkinkan buat nolong, gue suka ngerasa jadi orang yang paling gak berguna sedunia. Gue penasaran.. kenapa.. kenapa kalo giliran gue butuh bantuan urgent yang bantuin itu sedikit dan kaya yang mau-mau enggak gitu, niat gak niat. If you dont want to help me, TELL ME.

Another story, di kampus I have a really close friends, they're so amazing, so glad that I met them. But.. am I the only one that feel blessed to meet them? Cause I feel like I'm an outcast in this circle. Its always 2 of them, I always behind them. I'm just a dressing for them. Even I tell them everything, it doesn't seem they told me everything. What the fuck am I expected tho haha I'm nothing. I really am nothing. I'm not good in everything, why am I alive? Why am I a human? Why cant I just be a butterfly? *Sigh*

Next. Its about graduation. Honestly, gue ngerasa biasa aja pas di wisuda, I dont feel sad at all. Why? Because I dont have an amazing memories with these people, I know its kinda rude but thats how I feel. They will forget about me, they will forget my face one day, they will forget that I'm exist, they will totally forget about me one day. I always being forgotten so I'm getting used to it. Ketika yang lain di datengin sama temen even satu keluarga pas wisuda, me? I dont see my friends coming lol. Even my parents ragu untuk dateng ke wisuda and they seems dont really care about what I've achieved.

These experiences buat my trust issues semakin parah. I cant trust anyone, even my family. If I trust them they'll end up hurt my feeling. Now I'm on a stage that I want to disappear. For a really long time. I wanna do what Margo on Paper Town's do, but that damn money is being an ass, fudge.

I wanna try to kill myself once but I know it will be hurt if I ended up injured and not dead, and the picture of hell is coming to my head, so I put that aside.

And the last one. I'm fucking tired untuk minta maaf duluan even that's not even my fucking fault. Kenapa selalu gue yang minta maaf duluan? Padahal gue yang sakit hati, karena mereka. Tapi kenapa gue yang minta maaf duluan. It seems so freaking cool at first, but makin kesini it became a habit for me. Kenapa jadi gue yang minta maaf, gue cuma mau bikin mereka ngerasain yang gue rasain pas mereka udah ngerasain itu gue malah gak enak hati dan jadi malah gue yang minta maaf. Mereka? Yang bikin gue sakit hati duluan? Mana ada minta maaf sama gue. Gak ada sama sekali. Mereka blame it all on me, mereka bikin gue tersudut dan ujung-ujungnya jadi gue yang minta maaf. Gue dulu bersyukur punya hati yang gampang banget buat minta maaf dan maafin, tapi kenapa sekarang gue ngerasa ini jadi beban?

Kenapa gue bikin post kaya gini disini? Karena ini satu-satunya tempat dimana gue bisa cerita panjang lebar kaya gini dan bakal ada beberapa orang di luar sana yang rela ngabisin waktunya buat baca dan nyimak cerita gue sampe akhir, dan mungkin di luar sana juga ada yang ngalamin hal persis kaya gue so dia gak bakal ngerasa sendirian. Even I have a trust issues, I know there's someone 'real' out there. Jadi gue decided buat cerita disini.

Thank you banget yang udah baca sampe titik ini. Gue tau mata lu pegel, but I really appreciate that, thank you so much 💜

I'll see you next time 👋
All the love,

H.

Senin, 28 Agustus 2017

My Thoughts.

Hi my dearest blog friend! Its me again, I'm back~ this time I'll talk about whats on my mind and about how I feel this time, so enjoy!~

So, its the second half of 2017 already? Wow time flies really fast... and the moment when I wrote here, my age is now 21. Yup I'm a year older now. So many thoughts coming up through my mind...

I've been through a lot of moment that makes my heart hurt, my body aching, and thats make me think about suicide once. But thank God now I'm feeling better.

2017 is not as good as I thought, its a though year for me. So many things hurt my feelings, the saddest thing is what I wrote about my friends on my last blog, its not as good as last year, my friendship with one of them is not as good as before, and I think its all my fault lol.

Do you know how it feels to make people happy? To prove to people that you actually not a useless person? I always wanted to be that kind of person and I tried to be that person. Even lots of people say thank you to me cause I help them, why cant I find my happiness? Why helping people still make me feel like I'm a useless person. When people say thank you it feels like its the end of the story, they dont need me anymore, and I hate it when something comes to an end.

I don't know what happen to me. Even I surrounded by nice people I still feel lonely, its not like I need a boyfriend so I wont feel lonely anymore (so many people told me this) but what happen with my mental health? Why am I feeling like this? Am I sick? What happen to me? Telling my story to my closest friend doesn't change anything. I need help... please... somebody help me to get rid off this feeling... this feeling makes me want to disappear...

Help me,
H.

Rabu, 14 Desember 2016

My 2016 Story

Hi guys!~ its been more than a year since my last post about my happy moment in 2015. And now... Is the last month of 2016 already? Wow~ time goes really fast isnt it?

Jadi guys, hari ini gue mau nyeritain rangkuman pengalaman apa aja yang gue alamin ditaun 2016 ini. There are sooooooo many ups and downs and I'll tell y'all about my story. Lets get started~~~ (ps. blog gue kali ini bakalan agak panjang jadi siapin indomie ato popcorn biar lu gak bosen)

So, di awal taun 2016 ini gue ikutan diklat dari dinas pariwisata Jakarta buat jadi junior tourist guide. Awalnya yang ikutan dari kampus gue itu ada banyak, cuma gara-gara seleksi, di gelombang pertama ini yang kepilih cuma gue sama temen kesayangan gue yang kadang-kadang suka halu, namanya Nanda. Panjang cerita disini kita dapet banyak banget pelajaran dan temen baru. Gue sama Nanda ngiranya junior tourist guide itu ya seumuran kita (waktu itu kita masih 19 taun :'3) taunya... Jauh lebih tua.. Jadi temen baru gue sama Nanda ya... Gitu.. Kecuali Cia~ dia setaun dibawah kita umurnya. Lanjut cerita, setelah gue sama Nanda mengalami masa-masa indah selama 2 minggu di disparbud, kita gagal dapet lisensi junior tourist guide. Sedih. Tapi gapapa yang penting pengalamannya yekan :'D

Gak lama setelah gue sama Nanda kelar diklat, kita ada kegiatan sertifikasi dari kampus, namanya Java Bali Overland Tour. Kita tour dari Jakarta ke Bali naek bus bolak balik 8 hari. Iya bus. Bikin pantat ledes (ps. gue baru tau arti ledes) tapi gapapa itu seru~ tapi... Dibalik keseruan itu kita juga dituntut buat bisa nge guide. Jadi disini kita di tes buat jadi tourist guide yang baik gimana. Dan lu pada percaya gak... Gue gak belanja sama sekali... Duit gue kepake cuma buat beli es krim wals di tanah lot.

Setelah kita seneng-seneng tour overland, tugas kampus selanjutnya udah nungguin, tugas MICE. Udah lah kalo yang ini gak usah dibahas :') mikirin laginya aja bikin pengen eek.

Hari-hari berjalan seperti normalnya anak kuliah lain. (ps. gue bilang gini soalnya gue lupa apa lagi yang gue alamin) sampai tibanya bulan Juli. Iya Juli. Bulan dimana gue ulang taun. So guys, this year I'm officially a young adult, I'm 20, and I'm freaking old.

Nah... Semenjak gue nginjek umur 20 ini, gak tau kenapa.. Ada moment dimana I felt so empty and useless. That moment when I felt nobody's need me, that moment when... I felt at the bottom of the earth. Di masa-masa ini gue ngerasa pengen banget ngejauh dari semua orang, gue pengen sendiri like totally... I really want to be alone. But.. The moment when I saw my 4 dearest friends in my campus.. My mood changed like 100% I am so great full that I have a chance to be their friend 😊

Actually in the middle of July 2016, 2 weeks before my birthday, I have a fight with my mom and I ran away from home for about 1 month. Like I said before, I felt so empty and nobody need me so I did that stupid move.

Okay~ di skip dulu melow nya, sekarang lanjut cerita yang seru lagi~

Jadi~~ tanggal 22 sampe 24 November kemaren gue sama temen sekelas gue dari kampus ikut sertifikasi buat jadi tour leader, sertifikasinya seru kita jalan-jalan lagi tapi kali ini jalan-jalannya ke Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. Hari pertama gue jadi tour leader dan itu capek banget, mana ini pertama kalinya gue ke luar negri, ya capek fisik... Ya capek hati.. (Mana mata gue lagi iritasi :'3) tapi seru! Asli deh. Yang bikin seru pas gue sama temen-temen gue nyasar di KL. Mana udah tengah malem, nyasar... Pake baju se-nya lagi udah gitu make sendal, lu tau yang paling geblek itu apa? Kita masuk ke twin tower dengan pedenya dengan penampakan kaya gitu terus jalan di tengah-tengah orang yang lagi ntah itu wisuda ato apa terus jalan di red carpet.....

I really cherish this moment when we were in KL because it would be our last journey together. Iya. Tour ke KL ini tour terakhir kita, anak Travel Management tour bareng, soalnya taun depan kita bakal mulai training dan gue yakin banget bakal jarang ketemu. Selain training, kita juga bakal sibuk ngurusin karya tulis akhir kita masing-masing. Dan taun depan juga, gue sama temen-temen gue yang lain bakal lulus, kita bakal wisuda taun depan.

Now I'm gonna write for my 4 dearest friends, they are Nanda, Salma, Ravi, and Fajri.

Guyssss I wanna say thank you thank you thank you so much that you guys want to be a friend with a freak person like me hehehehe thank you for always be there to listen to my-not-so-important story. I'm so great full that you've been friends with me for this past 2 years and a half. Even we hate each other at the beginning but we end up like this haha.

Nanda thank you so much for being not-so-care friend haha thank you lu suka nemenin gue kalo lagi mager pulang dan akhirnya kita baru balik pas lampu aula kampus udah dimatiin. Thank you for being a halu friend, karena ke haluan lu sering bikin gue ketawa dan lupa sama apa yang lagi gue pikirin sebelumnya haha.

Next Salma. Yo! Salma~ I beg you not to cry when you read this story haha anyway thank you for always be there when I need you, when I cry, thank you for each time that you spent just to listen to my story, thank you :) and sorry that I often prank you :') its so fun when I saw you cry because of my prank.. But you know that I love you right :'D

Next pal is Ravi!~ Ravi thank you so much lu suka minjemin catetan bahkan motoin catetan lu buat gue :') and also thank you for always make me full. You always ask to eat this.. Eat that... Eat more.. And more... (but your body still look flawless :'D) once again thank you Ravi for the unforgettable memories~

Last but not least Fajri. Bro, thank you lu udah rela gue tebengin, gak sebulan.. Gak dua bulan... But 2 years, 2 fucking years, thank you so much! Thank you udah rela gue repotin wkwkwk and also thank you that you always give me amazing advices and those advice changed the way I think about people, you opened my mind. Thank you for being um.. How am I suppose to say it? Big bro? Yeah big bro, thank you for being a great friend yet big bro hahahaha.

Soooo guys thats all about for this year story, its quite long right haha. I hope you'll have amazing moment in 2017! I'll see you again soon!

Love,
HM

Selasa, 20 Oktober 2015

It's been a year and two months...

HALOOOOOO OH MY GOD TERAKHIR GUE CURHAT DI SINI SETAUN LEBIH 2 BULAN YANG LALU!! SISANYA POLYVORE SEMUA LOL.

Okay.. it's 11.29 pm here. Right now. Yep, it's kinda late, I know right.

Kinda miss curhat disini... and when I scrolled down to my blog my last post was so cheesy and it makes me almost throw up -_-

So... guys, a lot of things happen since I wrote my last post here. Salah satunya adalah.... GUE UDAH NONTON KONSERNYA ONE DIRECTION tanggal 25 Maret lalu (lo tau? HARRY STYLES NOTICED ME. OMG) hehehe gue mau banget nge post disisni dan berbagi kebahagiaan sama kalian ( please deh Na, kaya ada yang baca blog lo aja -_-) tapi rasa malas selalu menggelendoti diri gue.

Dan.. Yang pedih saat selesai nonton konser 1D adalah pernyataan Zayn keluar dari band. God... Adek nangis 3 hari gegara abang Zayn yang gak pernah mikirin adek :')

Skip... skip... skip... ( actually gue lupa apa aja yang terjadi taun ini, jadi gue skip, hehe )

And my latest big moment was... on September. Gue lupa itu antara tanggal 11 sama 13. Waktu itu BTS atau Bangtan Boys kesini untuk fanmeeting (kalian sudah pada tau kan kalau saya kena tulah jadi suka sama K-Pop?) nah gue kan suka banget sama mereka tapi gak bisa nonton fanmeet, akhirnya gue sama temen gue nungguin mereka di venue, dari siang sampe malem, sampe adu bacot sama security, sampe gue gila dan joget-joget Touch My Body-nya SISTAR di depan para security, dan sampe gue depresi nungguin mereka keluar dari gedung....

BUT..

Perjuangan gue sama temen gue itu worth it, cause we saw them out from the building, dan... gue berhasil ngerekam mereka pas keluar gedung walaupun cuma kupluk orange-nya Jungkook sama pala anak-anak BTS doang yang kerekam -_- tapi gue seneng banget guuuuysss. Van yang mereka naikin lewat pas banget depan congor gue dan pas gue bilang 'OPPA SARANGHAE' ada yang dadah dadah dari dalem Van, anjir mau pengsan guys rasanya.... at least mereka ngeliat gue walaupun sebenernya gue tau mereka mikir 'orang gila dari mana ini?....'

Gak lama setelah BTS kesini, gue masuk ke group fans nya GOT7 di Line.. (Yup, I'm an IGOT7) ngobrol, ngobrol, ngobrol... gak lama ada announcement kalo GOT7 mau kesini buat fanmeet juga, mau pengsan lagi guys rasanya, uang minim, baru ada uang akhir October.... gue bingung, gue kelimpungan mau dapet duit dari mana... awalnya gue berniat bakal beli yang VIP kalau presell awal November... but... takdir berkata lain... ternyata presell nya awal October. And you know what guys? Gue rela gak jajan, gue rela kelaperan di kampus demi ketemu sama mereka....(gue gak enak ngemis sama orang tua buat hal kaya gini.. so.. yea..) uang pun ke kumpul.. but.. I only can buy a Bronze ticket which is di paling belakang.. so it's almost impossible for them to notice me... pedih guys rasanya.

Oh iya, fanmeet GOT7 tanggal 28 November nanti sooo ini sekitar 1 bulan stengah lagi! Even I'm at the back gue tetep excited buat liat mereka! Please my lucky charm.. stay with me until the day comes... jadi keberuntungan gue di noticed Harry Styles dan BTS bisa ke ulang lagi pas fanmeet GOT7 nanti :')

Actually banyak banget yang terjadi, tapi yang paling berkesan cuma itu aja. Dan... sebenernya gue bukan mau cerita gini disini.. gue mau cerita kesedihan gue. Tapi itu nanti aja deh kalo gue curhat disini lagi ehehehe~

So guys.... it's 00.03 now (gue banyak mikir jadi curhat segini aja butuh waktu banyak lol.)
Until next time!

Love,
HM