Curhat Akhir 2K17.

Hello friends~ (or not? Cuz it seems I have none lol)

Well~ well~ its November 2017 already! Why is it so fast tho 😶

So, first of all I want to announce to you all that.... I'M GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! 3 taun gak berasa njir. Kayanya gue gak ngapa-ngapain gitu di kampus wkwkwk.

Post kali ini mau gue bikin random aja ya, kaya curhatan hati gue yang paling dalam mungkin bakal gue ceritain di post gue kali ini. Jadi ini post bakal panjang banget, buat yang gak kuat iman bisa pergi aja dari sini tq.

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Banyak banget yang udah kejadian sama gue taun ini, dr mulai masalah hatinya orang, masalah hati gue, soal gue ngerjain TA, dll. Gue bingung mau mulai dari mana, ini gak ngurut sih jadi gue coba buat ceritain soal sesuatu yang paling membekas di hati.

So, the first story is about someone I really love, someone that I can trust and I can count on, the one that makes me who I am now. Gue percaya dan sayang banget sama orang ini.. gue gak ngerti lagi kalo dia sampe gak ada gue bakal jadi kaya gimana.. but... One day, I heard a worst news, it was from this person itself. This person did something that I really against on, so disappointed, I'm torn. Gimana bisa orang yang gue percaya did that. This person behavior changed, I hate that. Even I still love this person so much, I can't give my trust anymore.

Cerita selanjutnya soal hati gue (njay). Jadi, gue gak tau kenapa ya.. orang suka salah ngartiin apa yang gue lakuin. Gue udah coba buat ngebantu seseorang, berusaha untuk berteman, tapi orang suka salah ngartiin, dikiranya gue suka lah sama orang itu, disangka cari muka lah, disangka mau rebut pacar orang lah, disangka masih banyak deh. Seriously ya, gue tau diri orangnya tau batesan. Gue gak paham lagi kenapa orang nyangkanya kaya gitu. Bahkan bisa sampe menyimpulkan kalo gue orangnya gini lah gitu lah. Sorry kalo ada yang tersinggung pas baca ini, but that's how I feel. Gue kaya yang biasa aja padahal kalo udah denger orang ngerendahin atau ngejelekin gue di belakang terus guenya tau, gue nangis anjing malem-malem. Asal lu tau aja. Masalah gue udah banyak di tambah lagi ginian, bayangin coba perasaan gue gimana guys :') (ps. This is my blog so gue bebas mau ngomong apa, kalo gasuka, you better leave. I dont need you)

Masalah hati lainnya. Gue ngerasa some people just take an advantage of me like dia ngedeketin gue kalo misalnya lagi butuh sesuatu. Begonya gue, gue orangnya gak enakan and if someone asked for my help, I'll do it as fast as I can. Gue gak bisa kalo gak nolong orang yang lagi butuh bantuan, even when gue kepepet atau situasi gak memungkinkan buat nolong, gue suka ngerasa jadi orang yang paling gak berguna sedunia. Gue penasaran.. kenapa.. kenapa kalo giliran gue butuh bantuan urgent yang bantuin itu sedikit dan kaya yang mau-mau enggak gitu, niat gak niat. If you dont want to help me, TELL ME.

Another story, di kampus I have a really close friends, they're so amazing, so glad that I met them. But.. am I the only one that feel blessed to meet them? Cause I feel like I'm an outcast in this circle. Its always 2 of them, I always behind them. I'm just a dressing for them. Even I tell them everything, it doesn't seem they told me everything. What the fuck am I expected tho haha I'm nothing. I really am nothing. I'm not good in everything, why am I alive? Why am I a human? Why cant I just be a butterfly? *Sigh*

Next. Its about graduation. Honestly, gue ngerasa biasa aja pas di wisuda, I dont feel sad at all. Why? Because I dont have an amazing memories with these people, I know its kinda rude but thats how I feel. They will forget about me, they will forget my face one day, they will forget that I'm exist, they will totally forget about me one day. I always being forgotten so I'm getting used to it. Ketika yang lain di datengin sama temen even satu keluarga pas wisuda, me? I dont see my friends coming lol. Even my parents ragu untuk dateng ke wisuda and they seems dont really care about what I've achieved.

These experiences buat my trust issues semakin parah. I cant trust anyone, even my family. If I trust them they'll end up hurt my feeling. Now I'm on a stage that I want to disappear. For a really long time. I wanna do what Margo on Paper Town's do, but that damn money is being an ass, fudge.

I wanna try to kill myself once but I know it will be hurt if I ended up injured and not dead, and the picture of hell is coming to my head, so I put that aside.

And the last one. I'm fucking tired untuk minta maaf duluan even that's not even my fucking fault. Kenapa selalu gue yang minta maaf duluan? Padahal gue yang sakit hati, karena mereka. Tapi kenapa gue yang minta maaf duluan. It seems so freaking cool at first, but makin kesini it became a habit for me. Kenapa jadi gue yang minta maaf, gue cuma mau bikin mereka ngerasain yang gue rasain pas mereka udah ngerasain itu gue malah gak enak hati dan jadi malah gue yang minta maaf. Mereka? Yang bikin gue sakit hati duluan? Mana ada minta maaf sama gue. Gak ada sama sekali. Mereka blame it all on me, mereka bikin gue tersudut dan ujung-ujungnya jadi gue yang minta maaf. Gue dulu bersyukur punya hati yang gampang banget buat minta maaf dan maafin, tapi kenapa sekarang gue ngerasa ini jadi beban?

Kenapa gue bikin post kaya gini disini? Karena ini satu-satunya tempat dimana gue bisa cerita panjang lebar kaya gini dan bakal ada beberapa orang di luar sana yang rela ngabisin waktunya buat baca dan nyimak cerita gue sampe akhir, dan mungkin di luar sana juga ada yang ngalamin hal persis kaya gue so dia gak bakal ngerasa sendirian. Even I have a trust issues, I know there's someone 'real' out there. Jadi gue decided buat cerita disini.

Thank you banget yang udah baca sampe titik ini. Gue tau mata lu pegel, but I really appreciate that, thank you so much 💜


I'll see you next time 👋
All the love,

H.